So, I had been planning on making my first blog post and introduction. You know a "Who the Hell Am I" type post. But then I thought of something that is a little more important. An explanation of sorts. I'll probably still do a who am I post, but this needs to be said.
It was Tuesday night when I started to get into a sort of funk, an emotional downturn. I've been dealing with clinical depression since I was thirteen, so it's nothing knew, but this one seemed to be aimed at Twitter. I was blaming my friends on Twitter for ignoring me, that they didn't actual care because they never mentioned me unless I replied or mentioned them first. I was angry and depressed for some reason, thinking that they didn't actual care. I decided that night to go silent for a while, see who actually cared enough to notice I was gone. I didn't have to work, so I read and watched Twitter. Occasionally I wanted to retweet something or comment, but I didn't because I was stuck on wanting to be missed and be noticed.
I increased texting though, to one person in particular. On Wednesday night we were talking about Twitter in the abstract and she made a comment that "Sometimes twitter brings out that middle school mentality in people". I know she wasn't talking about me specifically but it made me stop and think. How was what I was doing anything more than trying to start petty middle school drama? I continued my silence on Thursday, but this time while my depression still wanted me to interpret the lack of mentions as not being cared for, I tried to stop the thoughts before they progressed further.
My mom was noticing my sullen mood but also knew I was blocking her out. So, I finally tried to open up, just telling her small things. It wasn't enough for her to know exactly what was going on but it was enough for her to stop worrying. We went out that night for dinner and I was able to cheer up. Was still silent on Twitter though, but mainly because I didn't want to start anything so soon after regaining my normal mood.
This blog post, I guess, is my way of explaining myself and admitting to myself how childish I was acting at first. I guess this way, making it public, will help me be accountable to other people, a way to help preventing me slipping into childish ways.
I think its easier to act on the middle school mentality when you can hide behind a computer screen, whether it be Facebook or Twitter. I know just this week I've been guilty of it on Facebook. Blogging can be a great way to sort out your feelings, too. But, there is little sense in telling a writer how powerful words can be. :-)
ReplyDeleteah, becks, we've all been there, to some degree or another. i applaud you for getting your feelings out, first to your mom, and then here. that takes a lot of guts. i know.
ReplyDeletetwitter is a haven for me, a chance to connect with people i might not have met otherwise. i feel fortunate every day for those who share their lives with me. and when my days are long, and i can't properly come to rest in that haven, i definitely feel the lack.
we love you, and we're glad you're with us. never doubt that. we wouldn't be the same without you. :)
Please don't ever interpret silence from anyone, ever as uncaring. It is so easy to get caught up in what is right in front of oneself that we forget who and what is missing until it's been gone a long, long while.
ReplyDeleteMy brother and mother would NEVER talk if my sister in law and I didn't force them to call each other. It's not lack of love, it just distraction.
You are dear to your cyberfriends. Smooches.